i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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