mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
