i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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