Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
