i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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