She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
