Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm passing your future prison.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Even my vagina gasped.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
