win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
