i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
