What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
