wat bout pragnant strippers??
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
