I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
