Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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