I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
