woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
