Will you blow on my dice?
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
