I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
