Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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