While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
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