i love accidental penises.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
