my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He better not be in your backpack
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
