I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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