Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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