Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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