dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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