as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
