I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
