Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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