I accidentally had phone sex last night
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
