She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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