The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
