You're my little dorito
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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