sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i want to swaddle you in tequila
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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