I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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