for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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