just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
it was like eating out sand paper
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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