i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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