Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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