So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
