I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
