so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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