you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
