i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
