i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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