i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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