Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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