She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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