i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
