Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
