No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I am midnight drunk by noon
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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