i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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