He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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